How To Stop Deflecting Compliments and“Yes, &” Your Own Awesomeness
Thank you, I agree.
Two years ago I was hard at work in a new role, preparing to execute a major partnership project that I was working very hard on, and honestly, that I was slaying the hell out of. My boss (a man) called me into a meeting simply to say “wow, you are slaying the hell out of this”. Ugh! The nerve! Naturally, my response to this horrifically validating compliment from the man who signs my checks, was to say “oh no, the whole thing could still turn into my own personal Fyre Festival!”.
But…I knew it wasn’t going to turn into my own personal Fyre Festival. I knew all the t’s and i’s were crossed and dotted. I knew I was slaying the hell out of my work, and that things were going great. I knew I deserved the praise he was freely giving me, and yet my instant reaction was to shake off his compliment like a blanket of spiders.
More recently, I met up with a very kind friend who I have always known to be genuine and honest. After greeting me, my friend stepped back and said “wow! Your mask really makes me notice how beautiful your eyes are.” To which I responded, “oh thanks…I switched them”, and then I made a fairly disturbing show of pretending to pop my eyes out of the sockets and switch them. The whole thing was…pretty uncomfortable.
The truth is, I do have nice eyes. They’re big and brown, and I’ve got that whole “pretty like a sad deer” thing going on if I wear a good mascara. I’m also damn good at my job. I’m creative and hard working and my outgoing nature makes me a fierce relationship builder. I know there have been endless think pieces about women’s tendency to deflect praise and diminish our achievements (not that having sad-deer-eyes is an achievement), but I haven’t seen much advice on exactly how to stop doing it other than just, “hey…stop doing that!”. Which brings me to four little words that have changed my damn life:
Thank you, I agree.
To arrive at my “thank you, I agree” epiphany, I returned to the training that made me both the kind of person weird enough to pantomime popping my eyes out of their sockets, and the kind of person who really didn’t want to reject another person’s offer of praise.
That’s right assholes. I’m about to talk about improv.
I spent most of my 20s and 30s in basement theaters with beer-sticky floors, pretending to be a cow or a cabbie or a wizard or a tree, with other weirdos in New York’s improv comedy scene. And before you ask, no mom, it wasn’t a “waste of time”. As an improviser you’re taught to “accept offers” and “affirm the reality of your scene-partner”. Not doing so was seen as disrespectful and shitty. It occurred to me that shutting down someone’s compliment was the same kind of disrespectful and shitty. Rejecting their offer of praise sends the message “your opinion is either wrong or unimportant” and that message is not humble, it’s rude.
“Thank you, I agree” is essentially just a version of the “Yes &” philosophy that beginning improv teachers have drilled into the soft minds of broke and hopeful 20-somethings since the beginning of time. The cool thing is, once you start “thank you I agree”-ing, you actually start IRL agreeing with all the kind and true things people say about you. So, here are a few variations on the “Thank you, I agree” theme, to get you started.
- Praise for your accomplishments (professional and otherwise).
Thank you, I worked really hard on ________ and I’m excited to see how it turns out.
Thank you, I think this project really matched my strengths.
Thank you. I’m really proud of this.
Thank you. I found this work meaningful/fun/a-total-fucking-nightmare-but-I-did-it-anyway-because-I’m-a-goddamn-professional
2. Praise for your clothing or style.
Thank you, it has pockets!
Thank you, this color is my jam.
Thank you, I’m super into _______ this season.
Thank you, this outfit makes me feel so powerful/sexy/playful/creepy-in-a-fun-way.
3. Praise for your personality.
Thank you. That [insert character trait] has always been important to me.
4. Praise for your appearance (oof).
Thank you, I feel really strong/healthy/rested
Thank you, I have always loved my arms/eyes/abs/butt/toenails
Thank you, the youngs on TikTok can suck it. I know I look good w/ this dope side part.
5. Praise for something you’re actively self conscious about.
Thank you, that means a lot/that really feels nice to hear.
Thank you. + STFU AND LET IT BE
After 400+ days of languishing inside our apartments, we are heading into perhaps the most intense period of “Hot Girl Summer” the world has ever known. We’re about to emerge from our couches and home offices as the fabulous, traumatized, powerful, professional, doughily beautiful little butterflies we are. We need to be prepared for the onslaught of praise and admiration that’s about to be flung our way by the people who have sorely missed us.
So please, for the love of god, don’t shake off your compliments like they’re a spider blanket. You survived a pandemic, as did the people who are about to praise you. You deserve their compliments, and they deserve your thanks.
You’re all forking fabulous.
(Thank you, we agree.)
